I drank…

So my life has fallen apart completely. For those of you that are regular readers of my blog you might be shocked at what I am going to share.

I started drinking again…

After nearly 8 years in sobriety, I decided to drink. I did not make this decision lightly. I had been trapped in this questioning way of thinking. I stopped drinking when I was 22 years old right? And now I am 30. I am in an entirely different place with actual goals and accomplishments.  I started to tell myself that maybe if I were to have a glass of wine or a martini, I would be able to enjoy myself and not get black out, fall down drunk. So that is what I did.

I spoke with everyone in my circle of recovery and told them my plan. Obviously it was a mixed bag. Hands down though everyone said it was a bad idea. But I didn’t want this to be an “I slipped up and drank”, I wanted it to be a choice; a thought out plan. So after I told everyone what I planned on doing, I began putting together my drinking game plan for the evening. So, I first made arrangements to get the kid out of the house for the night. I spoke to my mom and she agreed to have her sleep over there. Then I had to think where I wanted to go. I thought about possibly a dive bar, you know, keep it low key. But no, I ultimately decided on going to our local casino. I knew casinos had pretty drinks, and that is what I wanted. So I dressed up really cute, and I set off to the casino with the wife and her best friend (who was also the DD.) I sat down at one of the bars in the restaurant. The bartender came over and asked what I would be having. I saw this beautiful s’mores martini on the menu. So that is what I ordered. The wife and her friend ordered a “bucket o beer” that was on special that night.

The bartender brought over my drink. It really did look delicious. It was a slim martini glass that was coated in chocolate and had graham cracker all around the rim. The bartender pushed it in my direction and I just sat there staring at it for a long time. After all, 8 years is a long time to not have tasted any alcohol. So here I was staring this drink down. The wife leans over and reminds me that we could just get up and leave if I wanted. I tell her no, but I also suggest ordering a shot instead. This drink was so intimidating that I was too scared to take a sip. So we ended up ordering 3 cinnamon toast crunch shots.

The shots got brought to us and we each took it in our hands. I lifted my glass off the counter and smelled it. Then the wifes friend says “Ready? 1…2…3!” I raised the glass to my lips and swallowed it down whole. It was done. No more “Super Sober Me”. Now I was just like everyone else in that room. The pressure was off.

Both the wife and her friend were staring at me waiting to see my reaction. I didnt know If I wanted to cry or run or smile. I casually loop my fingers around my s’mores martini and begin to sip on it like it was a familiar friend.

So this has all been a self discovery mission. I have still continued to drink since this night 2 weeks ago. I am pretty good and reigning it in and only having a couple. I enjoy wine I discovered. I look forward to having a glass or a beer after a long shift in the ER. I cant say what is to come. Who knows, maybe Ill become a complete lush and ruin my life. Maybe I will drink responsibly and begin to enjoy alcohol in my life. Only time will tell.

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