No, I’m not dead…

I haven’t blogged in a while… Things in my life have been a roller coaster and instead of using this as a tool to vent, I have been holding it all in. Maybe no one actually cares that I haven’t been around. Maybe none of you readers noticed that there has not been any obscene chatter on my end about my job, mental health, and sex life.

I am blogging today because it is a sunny beautiful day in the northeast. I have my windows open and I just mopped all the floors in my house. Spring cleaning I guess you can call it. My OCD is insane when the house is dirty. But when you’re working all the time, it is hard to stay on top of it.  The kid is always continuing to make messes, as she should. And the wife started another new job so she is not home as much as she was. So I guess ill just use this post as a way of updating anyone who cares on whats been going on in my life.

Work: Life in the ER is pretty much the same. We are still in union negotiations for our contract. The company I work for is a FOR-PROFIT organization that is well known for being a shit place to work for. They are not budging on anything we are proposing. The hot button issue is safe staffing. Right now the only state I believe that has legislature for safe staffing is California. Right now there are no mandatory ratios for nurse:patient. I can have as many as 4 high acuity patients that me and my license are responsible for. It’s a shame and it is not safe and I am all about supporting my union. There is also a large wave of staff leaving. 3 nurses who have a SHIT TON of experience, and 1 nurse that I am happy to see go, are leaving the ER and accepting positions in another dept. This is a huge loss for my ER. The upcoming months are going to be hard. There is not enough staff to keep the ER going, but that is not going to stop corporate from allowing it to be filled even if its a danger to the staff and patients. I am sticking around though. Part of me hopes this will create change. The logical part of me knows that nothing is going to change. But I love emergency medicine and a job is a job I reckon.

Wife: Things with the wife and I have been very up and down. We took a visit to the midwest where I grew up so she could meet my father. The trip was nice for the most part. We almost broke up in the Chicago airport though. You ever have those days where you can’t get along no matter how much you want to. Every statement is the beginning of another fight. It was one of those days. Then you add the stress of flying and lack of sleep into the mix and the day is over before it even begins. We managed to make it safely and still together. We were only there for the weekend. We threw our diets out the window and drowned our frustrations in delicious food. I ate more food than I knew I was capable of. I think my Dad took to the wife nicely. My Dad is one of my favorite people in the world so it meant a lot that she came with me. Her and I have managed to get back into a good place. Things may be shitty for a while, but its one thing I love about us; we always manage to get back to a good place. Sometimes I have to put all the day to day bullshit aside and remember why I fell in love with her in the first place.  She started a new job that she actually likes. I am very proud of her. She has been trying to figure out what she wants to do and I am just ecstatic that she is happy with where she is.

Kid: The kid is just about the same as when I last spoke of her. She is excited today cause when the wife gets home from work, we are going to go to the park. There has been nothing but snow for soooo long. She has a summer dress on and is riding around the house on her scooter. Some days are harder than others. I still have those moments where I question the kind of of Mom that I am. Is there more I can be doing? Is she happy? Am I instilling life lessons in her? Who the fuck knows. I guess if it was that simple, everyone would be a rockstar parent with no worries in the world.

Mental health: I have FINALLY evened out. Since the Welbutrin and Effexor combo, I finally feel like myself again. No more crazy mood swings. No more snapping out on everyone and crying at the drop of a hat. It is nice. The wife thinks its too nice sometimes. I think she misses when I would lose my shit. To her, me being calm and collected means that I don’t care. I really do care! I just don’t express it as much. But who wants to be a basket case? Not me. Don’t get me wrong, I am still crazy. My crazy is just a little more contained.

Diet: HAHAHA! What diet? After 6 weeks of Keto/lowcarb, I called it quits. I lost a total of 15 lbs which is nice, but I realized something. I am a happier person when I have carbs in my life.  Taking a huge bite of pizza or peach cobbler releases endorphins that are better than any antidepressant known to man. So screw it. You only live once. I am back on the road to becoming a fatty.

I feel better after writing this. If you like what you read, hit the like button. It brings me joy to know I am not alone. It gives me a sense of peace that there are other people out there who know whats going on with me, even though you don’t actually know who I am.  Thanks for reading.

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