I am losing my fucking mind

I literally have lost it…I am bat shit crazy…

Since the switch from Zoloft to Welbutrin, I have completely lost the ability to control my emotions. I feel like some kind of bipolar psychopath and I destroy anyone I come in contact with.

Today I woke up feeling great! I had lots of energy. I got the kid ready and off to school. I got to spend some quality time with the wife because she didnt have to be into work until 11ish. We took a nice shower together and she did that thing where she turns me around and pushes me up against the wall of the shower and slides her hand deep inside me. She made me cum soo good!

Everything sounds great so far right?

She leaves for work and I leave for an eye appointment. We make a plan that we will meet up for lunch. I am so excited! We are still doing well on our low carb diets so we decide to go out to Longhorn and get some steak. YUM! So I am killing time in town until her meeting is over so I decide to go to Target. I LOVE TARGET! I browse the isles looking for random shit I dont need….I am still in a fine mood at this point. I get in the car after purchasing some odds and ends, and I proceed to drive to the wife’s work to scoop her up. And then…it happened.

As I am driving, out of the blue, I begin to think. I begin to start thinking about a fight she and I got into a month ago. I started replaying all of the details in my mind. As I am doing this I find myself getting more and more angry. I literally CANT STOP THINKING about it. As I am getting closer to her place of employment, I decide it is a good idea to begin texting her. I thought it a good idea to rehash an issue that was already put to bed. I come at her filled with anger and she has no idea why. All of this because I got myself upset and angry. She responds to my texts with confusion but I continue to berate her. She then starts getting cross with me. So my brilliant mind starts getting more mad because she is getting mad. She texts me “go home.” So now not only have I gone completely insane, but I am not going to let my emotions take away Longhorn too. I respond with an “ok”, And turn the Lexus around and head for home. We continue to fight back and forth, back and forth the whole drive home. Before I even realized, I had been bawling my eyes out since I left her job. Why did I come off like that? What am I so angry about? Why am I picking a fight and pushing her away??? All because I made myself angry about a fight from a month ago.

I pull into my garage 15 min later and completely break down. Snots are dripping down my nose. I begin apologizing in my texts. She calls me worried. She has no idea what to do with me and I dont blame her. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.

Before I know it, she is pulled into the driveway behind me and climbs into the passenger seat. I could see in her eyes that I was scaring her. I was scaring myself. I went from upbeat happy go lucky, to sad crying angry depressed. This all happened in a blink of an eye. No one triggered it. Nothing bad happened. My own thoughts got me to that point. We end up talking through it. I am grateful she came home. She knows I am struggling with this med change but there is only so much someone can take.

I was not like this prior to psych meds. I really wasn’t. I don’t know if this is a side effect of be being OFF the Zoloft, or if this is a side effect of being ON the Welbutrin. All I know is I need to get my feelings in check and fast.

This blog has been a nice outlet for me. I figured writing all of this down might help get it out of me. I fucking hope so.

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