So Thursday was one of the worst days Ive had at my job in 2 years… I cried.
Everyone knows that you should save the tears for your pillow at home, but I just couldn’t hold it in. Oh, and I didnt just cry…I bawled like a fucking baby.
So the day was busy just like every other day. I was getting my ass handed to me in the back nurses station. I have a bad breather in bed 11 who wants to leave and smoke a cigarette, I have a pt in 12 with CHF whos ankles are the size of small tree trunks, a woman in 13 on Lasix who needs the bedpan every 2 fucking seconds, and a crisis patient in hall D who tried to OD on laxatives and booze (she was a real fucking genius).
One of our ER fam members is moving to Florida so everyone chipped in for pizza and cake as a send off. Now anyone who has read my recent blogs knows that I am on a low carb diet. So I needed to make a plan to safeguard myself from indulging in the forbidden. So I run up to the cafeteria for a salad. I rush back down the the ground floor before anyone noticed I was missing (except for Lasix lady who had to bitch that I didnt answer her call bell in a timely fashion). So I sit down and see that beds upstairs in th hospital had opened up and I could call report on some of my patients.
I try to be a team player. I know that the ambulances keep coming in, and I know that there is always a line in triage, so I try and do my best to keep the flow going when I can. I dont sit on my patients for as long as possible so I dont have to get the next one. That fucks over everyone else. So… I am nibbling on my salad while im on the phone giving report to the telemetry nurse. All of a sudden I feel a cold shadow over my shoulder. The smell of halitosis was in the air. I got an awful shiver down my back because at that point I knew who was standing behind me…my boss.
Now you might be thinking, “Damn, what could she be getting in trouble for? She is being a rock star nurse and even has her fucking name written on every patient white board. What could her boss possible have to bitch about?”…..the salad.
We are not allowed to eat at the nurses station. It is a rule that has been implemented for the last 6 months. I have been caught snacking in the past, but some people let it slide. I am also not allowed to take a lunch break. I do not have someone who comes and relieves me so I can step away for 30 min and enjoy a meal. We are expected to work 10, 12, 16 hour shifts and have no “set” breaks. We spend the day shoveling food into our desperate mouths any second we can. We have to eat out of drawers, behind curtains, in utility rooms. There is no other option unless youre okay with starving the whole day.
My foul smelling boss puts his hand on my shoulder. He looks at me, then he looks at my salad, and then he looks at me again. He says “This is not the first time I am telling you this. Get rid of it.” So I chuck my $9.00 salad into the garbage so the evidence is destroyed to his satisfaction. He walks away and leaves it at that.
I FUCKING LOST IT. I closed myself into the clean utility room and began sobbing. It was the straw that broke the camels back. It hit me like a slap in the face. My job does not give a shit about me. They do not care that I have been taking great care of my patients. They don’t care that I am trying to keep the flow going and getting my patients to their hospital beds as soon as I am able. They dont care that I come in a early and stay late. They dont care that I sacrifice time with my family to be apart of “the team”. All they care about are appearances. Here I am, 5 hours into my 10 hour shift, with a migraine from not eating, SSRI withdrawal, and beginning to feel weak and my boss chastises me for eating at the desk. It has all just become too much. Next time I am going to tell him to suck a dick and PLEASE brush the cum out of your teeth this time because your breath is fucking rank.
So there is my blog for the day. Not chipper or exciting, but I feel better venting . It is good to have this as an outlet to share my stories.