Cake porn

So last time I blogged I mentioned my violent bowl movements since being on low carb, the upcoming birthday party of the kid, and how I have been tapering off of Zoloft. Not to mention trying to hone my skills as an ER nurse and be a outstanding girlfriend to the wife.

I am on day 9 of low carb. I am down 8 lbs. Fuckin awesome right? I am beginning to feel less puffy and dont feel so “trapped” in my clothes. I feel like I couldn’t even move in my own skin. Now dont get me wrong. I have a loooonnngggg way to go, but I am happy with my progress. My diet has still mainly consisted of beef, eggs, and cheese but I am beginning to get used to it.  The running to the bathroom stage has almost past, and I also feel that I am more energetic. I still have some cravings though. For the kids party we special ordered a My Little Pony cake from a local Italian bakery. This cake was amazing. It must have weighed 40 lbs and completely covered in butter cream frosting and ponies. It was 2 layers. The top was a decadent banana cream and the bottom was birthday cake flavor. I know how good it tasted because the wife and I went on a cake tasting before deciding on which flavor to choose. I feel like I am typing about this cake as if it is a food porno. 50 Shades of Cake. God I wanted that cake.  However, I was able to avoid temptation and instead engulfed 20 hot wings as to not ruin my new diet. It was no simple feat. I watched these little 8 year olds gobble up MY cake and I sat there with blue cheese dripping off my chin wishing it was frosting. OMG I think I just came in my shorts just talking about it. Fuck I do miss carbs.

I think I have finally leveled off completely on the the 100 mg of Zoloft. I had an appt today with a new doctor. This doctor is the PCP for my mother and my sister and they gave raving reviews. I was sick of gaining the weight and wanted to talk to someone about finding an option that will help with my anxiety and also not make me a fat fucking whale. So after waiting an hour to see this doctor I was beginning to lose some patience. Then in walks a lady I didnt expect. She was about 5″4 with long black hair that was pulled up into a high sloppy bun. Several strands and fallen out throughout the day but she had not a care in the world. She was wearing pale blue velvet high heels, blue cheetah print skinny jeans, and a purple sweater with rhinestones. Her makeup was bold and something straight out of the 80’s. She sits down and begins to ask me why I am there. I begin explaining by struggles with anxiety and now the weight gain. She stops me mid sentence and says “Honey! Youre with me now. I am going to make you feel good and look good!” I was taken aback by her enthusiasm but she made me feel comfortable. She made me feel like everything is going to be okay. I have never received this kind of feeling from a doctor before, but I liked it. She set me on a plan to taper me off Zoloft and then begin taking Welbutrin. I am cautiously optimistic.

That has been my mentality over the past few days. Cautiously optimistic. I have been trying to have a new positive outlook on me, my relationships, my job… I only live one life and I want to be happy. Not just going through the motions satisfied. I want over the top happiness. I don’t want to waste another second hating my weight and feeling like there is no hope. I don’t want to waste another second wondering if I am a good mom or a good girlfriend. I can only focus on moving forward and trying to be the best version of myself thats possible. A guy I knew from AA once told me, “live life like a loose garment”. I have been living life more like a straight jacket lately. I hope to maintain this mentality for as long as I can. I am still a chain smoking, coffee drinking, pussy licking chick; But I am hoping I can also be more. I am hoping I can continue to grow and develop as a person in general.

 

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