Keto=Shitting your brains out

So just a little update from my previous post…

I am starting to level out on the 100 mg of Zoloft. After cutting my dose in half, I was concerned that I was destined to feel like shit for the rest of my life. The “brain zaps” have started to subside and I am beginning to get more energy back. So thats good, however I always choose to put as much on my plate as possible. So in other words, waiting for my mental health to recover is a no go. Oh no, I have to be sure and start a brand new diet at the same time.

Yes thats right. I ditched weight watchers and took the wifes advice. She has gone on the low carb high protein high fat keto/Atkins/Satan diet several times and has found success. So I figure what the hell. I am already shitting my brains out from SSRI withdrawal; so here’s an idea, lets go ahead and remove all the carbs from my life too!

So it has been 5 days of low carb. I am down 5.5 lbs. I have been having dreams about bread though. Mountains and mountains of bread. All I want is the tallest stack of pancakes the world has ever seen smothered in syrup. Instead I get to have a tall stack of beef patties topped with fried egg. Yum.

The wife also explained to me that if I put butter in my coffee it will help me to continue to burn carbs throughout the morning.

Fucking disgusting. But I have still been doing it.

Removing all the carbs from my diet has really pissed off my bowels.

I was working on day 2 of keto and I began getting the worst stomach cramps imaginable. The kind that hit you so strong that you begin to sweat and cant wipe the grimace off your face. So I run to the bathroom. Not the employee bathroom; the patients bathroom. I was NOT about to have explosive diarrhea in the employee bathroom and then have one of my ER doctors come in right after me and then never look at me the same. So, I opted for the grosser bathroom to save face.

I enter the bathroom, rip off my scrubs and begin to shit out everything that has ever been in my GI tract ever in the history of my life. (Gross, I know, but hey its my fucking blog.) Who knew someones body could be so accustomed to pastries and cookies that it would cause you to shit so violently when those things have been removed.

But today, day 5, is off to a good start. I don’t feel like shit which is a bonus in anyone’s book. I need to feel good because I have to go buy the final things for the kids birthday party on Sat. Its a sleepover party…with 12 girls…yes I am going to blow my fucking brains out before the night is through. I found an adorable craft on Pinterest. It is a unicorn dreamcatcher. So I am going to spend the weekend making ponies and trying to clench my ass cheeks together as to not shit my pants. Hope everyone is having a good morning!

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