mental health vs being a fatty

I have been on the SSRI Zoloft for just over 2 years. I went on the medication after being sober for 5 and realized that my battle with anxiety was still in full force. It definitely did wonders for me. My mind usually spins like a hamster wheel..and the hamster is on crack. I will always think of worst case scenarios and let them engulf me in worry.  The zoloft helped to combat this and helped me to be more even keeled. I have been able to look at a problem for what it is and find a solution rather than letting it bully me into a hole of despair.

Now the down side…

I have gained 50 lbs since being on it. The scale keeps climbing and climbing with no end in sight. I used to be able to shake it off. I would tell myself that I would rather be in a good head space than a little thinner. But a “little thinner” is not the case anymore. Now I am having to buy new clothes to fit my ever growing body. It is very depressing and discouraging. I have tried dieting and cutting back on the food I love, but my hunger is insatiable. I cant stop eating. I try diets like Weight Watchers and binge on fruits and vegetables but not a lb lost. I am soo sick of it. So 2 weeks ago I began weening myself down to a lower dose in hopes of losing some weight.

Things haven’t been going too well. I am labile and will cry at the drop of a hat. I am tired all the fucking time. Its like all my energy has been sucked out of me and I am just a shell. I am hoping so much that after another week or so I will be able to even out. Has anyone else ever gone through something like this? I hate that I am choosing my outward appearance over my mental health but fuck I cant take feeling like a fat whale anymore.

The wife and I had a long discussion about whats been going on and after the talk she has been very very supportive. She just wants me to be happy and has really been picking up the slack around the house while ive been at my worst. Its not fair to the people around me. What if I level out and still continue to gain weight? What is the world comes crashing down around me? Now I know being dramatic but I am just all over the place and hope things begin to improve sooner than later.

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