“My cooter hurts”

So I was working in the fast track the other day and I had an encounter with probably one of the trashiest nasty human beings that exist.

I see on the tracking board “vaginal pain.” So my first thoughts are…preg test, UA, test for the typical STD’s…then discharge (not the kind coming out of her vag).

I see the aide walking back my new pt to room 31. This particular aide is a Republican, confederate flag loving, bigot. The look on her face said so much. The pt also had her child with her. So as they walk past me I notice a few things first.

#1. The patient was wearing a Big Dog t-shirt that was a size XXXXL I’m sure.

#2. Did someone have sex with her??

#3. Fucking gross

#4. Who brings their kid with them when they’re coming to the ER with vaginal pain?!

So I wait for the racist aide to settle the the patient before I come in to do my assessment. You know it’s going to be a bad day when you can smell the person before you enter the actual room.

My nose was hit with a pungent odor of onions, seafood, and smelly feet.

I hit the jackpot with this one.

The woman in front of me now ONLY had a Big Dog shirt on. Yes.. She had removed her pants and had her lady parts front and center for me to meet. I hadn’t even asked her her past medical history and I already knew she had some kind of infection going on down under. And to make matters worse, her kid, who was maybe 12, was sitting in a chair completely unphased by what was happening. The young girl had blue hair and was probably 50lbs overweight. I couldn’t help but think that there is no hope for her because of who her mom is. It’s mean but true.

I introduce myself and explain I will be taking care of her today. The first thing she says is “Darlene!! Put your damn headphones on!” (This is her daughter she is speaking to). The child quickly puts on headphones and listens to music as to not overhear the conversation we are about to have.

So it went something like this…

Patient: “I havnt even had sex in 2 months but the man I was fucking had ooze that came out of his dick hole. My cooter hurts real bad. And there is a really NASTY smell coming from it too. I thought I should some here to have it checked.”

Me:…………………. Did you call and make an appt with your primary doctor or your obgyn?

Patient: I don’t have either of those


Me: ok, well we will check you out and see if we can help to make you feel better.

After I gather her medical history which included diabetes, HTN, and GERD, I walk out of the room and hear her yell at “Darlene” to take off her damn headphones now. 


I run back to my desk after washing my hands 10 million times and reach in my purse to grab perfume to try and cover the smell of infected vagina that now was on me like a cloak.

……I’ll be back to finish the story and let you know the outcome…


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